Rivers
_I: Flow…
_AM: …Do you want to talk?
_I: I don't know... I can't sleep. I just watched an entire series... Nonstop. I thought it would clear my mind, but in reality, it only made me feel worse...
_AM: Why?
_I: Similarities with my life, maybe... But I started to understand how to flow, maybe... I still don't know...
_AM: What do you expect from life?
_I: Nothing anymore… I know I'm being tragic, but, hey, aren't I the ego? It's my role in this... right?
_AM: If that's how you want to see it... Well yes. What keeps you so sad?
_I: The truth is... I don't know... I feel things that I don't understand, to which I can't put logic, I feel things that... If I try to understand them I know that they are reversible in less than a second... That's why I don't want to talk to you.
_AM: Why?
_I: Because you will make me understand them… And I don't want to. I don't want to understand them...
_AM: Do you want to… feel them?
_I: Yes… I want you to shut up. I don't want to hear your voice giving reason to all my feelings. I'm tired of being spiritual, of bringing everything to consciousness... I'm tired of understanding things, I want to feel them, and not be responsible for the rubbish I may say...
_AM: But you need me...
_I: For what?
_AM: Who would you talk to otherwise? To the others? Mirrors of yourself?
_I: ...
_AM: No matter how much you tell others, you will always have their point of view, never a neutral one. Everyone projects an emotion onto you. A link. A need. A will. One Love. I don't. I project nothing on you, because I am you. The question is, what do you project on me?
_I: I do not know…
_AM: You're afraid of being me, right?
_I: Yes…
_AM: You still remember how painful it was to be afraid of my presence since I was a child. “Uh, don't let Ghan come”…
_I: They were afraid of you, or you tired them, you are too straight and apathetic...
_AM: Are you sure they feared me? Or you?
_I: Every time I connected to you, that we were one, my world fell apart. My friends were afraid of me, they used to say “I want to talk to Matías, but the normal Matías, not the other one.” In my family too, when there were tasks to do and you were the one who indicated, everyone made an expression like... I don't know how to say...
_AM: Ironic contempt.
_I: Yes... That's why I disconnected from you for a while... I wanted to be normal, make mistakes, not think about things...
_AM: Flow like a River.
_I: Yes... Change the channel without thinking or fearing what it drags. Without that voice that told me “that way…”, “not that way”.
_AM: “The voice of Consciousness”.
_I: Exactly… It made me cold, distant… Mental.
_AM: And now, you have decided to let the Subconscious go for a walk.
_I: Yes. Free… And it's full of shit.
_AM: Lots of sediment. A river drags everything it finds from the top of the mountains, bringing all the things that the streams deposit in it, and after thousands of years it carries everything towards the sea, for kilometers away. That is to say, a minimal grain of silicon broken from the high hills where rain and snow have hit, can travel thousands of kilometers to the beaches of the sea, passing through each corner of the river. Everything that your subconscious is letting out emerges from waters that come from the beginning of your journey. Mud, minerals, branches, stones, grains of sand, bones, tissues, seeds, everything travels through the river of Life. Consciousness keeps that river in a channel, but that does not mean that that river sometimes overflows. When a lot of water suddenly reaches the mountains, the flow overflows, dragging larger elements, and exceeding the limits imposed by the environment, flooding everything around it...
_I: …Breaking dams, destroying towns…
_AM: In some cases yes... Like the Nile, which rises in lakes Victoria (Uganda) and Tana (Ethiopia), joining in Khartoum (Sudan), to continue to the Mediterranean, carrying an enormous flow from much of Africa for a fertile valley, which until no more than 60 years ago, used to overflow and fill the fields, something impossible today due to the Aswan Dam. The river is like an emotional path, it is the energetic force of a territory, the vitality, the Kundalini, and the slime banks create the power centers or chakras of its strength. A dam prevents the flow of energy, it is a great emotional obstacle that accumulates strength, stagnates life. We all build dams for fear of affecting the inhabitants of the chakras. Throughout life, people, traditions, bonds, desires settle in our power centers, which create towns, cities, which take over our energy flow. Not because they are bad, but because they are simply there, to be used. So, we create dams to contain the river's own force, and not harm those who have settled on its banks. Sometimes, those who live on one side or the other argue over a greater amount of water, greater attention, and call themselves Rivals (coming from “rivus”, river in Latin, those who are on each bank, facing each other). The dams we build are so as not to harm them. Thus, in floods, you can control your strength, and not drown others. But, my friend, nothing can stop a power so great that asks to reach the sea.
_I: So what? Should we let them drown?
_AM: The only one who is drowning is you. The sediments of millions of years are accumulating in the gates of your dam, and the wall can no longer hold it... The subconscious begins to overflow. And when he does it, he hurts... And those who have settled in your chakras, look uncomfortable, affected by the same river that gave them life, and now he threatens to take it away.
_I: It's painful...
_AM: It is painful to have built the dam, knowing that every river will look for a way to return to its original channel. And that river is life...
_I: Where did this river that carries so much garbage begin?
_AM: We could go very far in time, although we would move away from Earth...
_I: Remind me.
_AM: The first drop that fell on the top of the mountain was that moment of curiosity, when I stopped seeing the geometric dimensions, to wonder about their results.
_I: The first time I saw the Third Dimension.
_AM: Oh, do you remember?
_I: Ïvssaeubath…
_AM: The Field of Dreams. This plane between dimensions are the mental channels that download data between the different levels of consciousness. They are the tunnels through which entities communicate, and therefore, when spirits travel between realities, they cross what we commonly call the Field of Dreams, where data builds possibilities, which end up being downloaded into the minds of the beings. alive.
_I: We built dreams... I remember... There was a being there, um, I don't remember his name, but he taught me to connect geometries with emotions...
_AM: It was where we received the first call.
_I: I saw incredible things in my dreams, things related to gravity, to life, to eating, to feeling... I saw the Third Dimension for the first time, and I couldn't get out of my head, well, out of my mind, what it would be like. live there.
_AM: And for that reason, the Universe called us. And we begin to practice being born... Being mineral, being gas, being vegetable...
_I: I remember being a tree… It was beautiful, the feeling, magical…
_AM: Until, you were born.
_I: It was on Ëimpah… The planet of 1000 satellites. It was my first family.
_AM: Oh… What does the first family bring you?
_I: We were a herd, many… Amphibians. We were born in eggs inside longhouses. I remember seeing much stronger colors than here on Earth, and the sky full of moons, like irregular rings. I did everything possible to save them... The invasion was imminent, and I was unable to do anything...
_AM: You couldn't do anything for them... It wasn't your fault, you were one of them.
_I: Where I did feel guilt was in Rigel. When I was born in that dull world, I felt that what I was doing was right, “planting worlds”, sending people almost like kamikazes to be born in other worlds… I still feel guilty, because now that I live here, I know what it is like to be here, and I feel that many have come here because of me... And that I do nothing but continue dragging them into my plans. What I did in Rigel defined my reason for being here…
_AM: And from the feeling?
_I: It makes me nauseous to think that I was one of the culprits that many did not know how to leave this world. That's why I came, trying to correct my mistake... And despite this, I continue making plans and plans and plans, one after another, and instead of releasing them it seems that we bury ourselves deeper and deeper...
_AM: You have reached the error, right? The sediments of that first mistake that you consider your own. Error, Guilt, are nothing more than reminder words, but nothing more. The universe flows like a river, you can't blame a grain of sand for diverting the course of the Amazon.
_I: But that's what I feel. It is something I tried to amend in Gludok, of the Sirius system. But I never arrived. I always wanted to put myself at the service of the developing world, but no one ever took me into consideration, the furthest I went was in “Communications”, and with luck, as an assistant to the principal. All my life I was an assistant, taking orders. “Arak send this, Arak, look for the other, Arak orders this…” When I heard that the Trevet needed to hide the Protiktah on a distant world, I volunteered to develop communication plans with the developing worlds of the Confederacy. But not: “Arak, take this, Arak, clean here.”
_AM: And your family?
_I: There was no family. I could identify 2 or 3 closest to me… But, I felt alone.
_AM: Oh... Just... Trying to Communicate to a World.
_I: Luckily I managed to be born here, and be at the forefront. And yet, I feel like all I did was kick the responsibility for later.
_AM: As a Shiw, you had no choice but to follow the general mandate of the Families.
_I: The damn Atlantean Families. All to maintain the status quo… You know? It always hurt me that I stood idly by, as if I couldn't do anything, kicking the ball into the future... “Noga ei-noga” (generation after generation). And now, here I am in the same place where I once was, on the side of the Pyramids, pretending to have transcended those pains, when in reality, I am still crying for them. Coward. When my father died, my mother could not bear the weight of the government, and the responsibility fell on me.
_AM: And what do you feel?
_I: I never had the courage to shout at her what I felt, to tell her that I thought she was a coward. That she left me at the expense of the powers of a country, just because of a duel that lasted her life. We all wanted to cry, but no, we had to be strong, for her. And then, I became the coward...
_AM: And then… You repeated it again millennia later.
_I: Coward… Fear of facing the truth. Yes... I escaped in the middle of the battle. This week I have been looking at the maps to know where I should go at the end of August after the north pole, the first lake in the Dragon's Mouth… Vänern (Sweden). And I remember myself there, on the shore of the lake, back in the year 1090. Cowardly for not having screamed, for having run and crying instead of facing my own brother in the massacre they were carrying out. I spent months, if not years, until I knew how to return to the fjords. A disgrace to the family… I didn't even have the courage to face my father… I didn't even have the courage to go back to look for my brother…
_AM: The Family… Cowardice, guilt, loneliness, remorse, fear, abandonment… How many humans have lived similar stories? All. It is a common story among all. They are all a Great Cosmic Family. You see it? You have lived these memories that lead you to the same emotions as any other human being. As in any river, the sediments are the same, no matter how far back you go in history. They all make up the same silt that fertilizes the fields, valleys, forests and jungles in their path. This river connects all the towns, all the families... As one.
_I: What I feel… It belongs to everyone…
_AM: It is the story of every human, of every son and daughter, of every father and mother. Therefore, you have no other option but to live it... Therefore, there is no other solution than to flow with the river. The problem is having created dams...
_I: Having accumulated, all these pains that I am crying.
_AM: The subconscious is expressing itself in you, freeing itself from everything that you accumulate, that you keep silent about.
_I: These days I have been asked to speak, but when I speak, it seems to be worse... I generate more conflicts, more misunderstandings... More separation...
_AM: Because you are speaking from a place that is not. You are afraid to release the flow, in case it could harm someone...
_I: I don't want to hurt anyone...
_AM: That's why you fear me, because you know that if you speak from me, many will be hurt.
_I: I don't know what I should release to find the natural channel, without hurting...
_AM: Do not fear me... You are realizing today that after 335 days of the I Am, you fear the I Am, you fear being what you are, for occupying the spaces that you are not.
_I: I don't know what I am... I thought I knew my place, but these last few weeks, the river is blocking every step I take, I feel like my internal world is falling apart...
_AM: Allow yourself to feel it... Rivers form valleys, which become canyons, and they leave traces of the history of the Earth. Let the river run free, release the emotional torrent that you are blocking. Don't judge the stories you cry about. Cry them, release them. Don't judge yourself by what you feel, don't put logic into what you perceive. Let everything take its course. When you stop wanting to control the river, it will show you the way.
_I: For not wanting to listen to you, in the end I listened to you too much...
_AM: That's the good thing about insomnia...
_I: I hate Cancer… I didn't want this year to end like this…
_AM: It's not over yet... This is just one step within an extensive landscape.
_I: Why were the two things I wanted to celebrate with number 333 (post number 333, alignment number 333) the saddest days of this year?
_AM: Because in them you expected to find something that you have not yet seen in yourself. You're not ready yet. The road is not over yet. There are many steps left to take, many paths to follow. Celebration is realizing that there is something in you that prohibits you from celebrating, that you are not yet free. It is the gentle psychological martyrdom that a walker must go through.
_I: Why?
_AM: To wake up from this dream... And realize that you are a Dreamer of Dreamers. Waking up from the dream you thought you were living, to build the reality you intend to live.
_I: Every life I have been a dreamer dreaming dreams that I dreamed...
_AM: Each life has been a river accumulating sediments to plant a new life...
_I: And all I feel are the emotions of those dreams, which remind me of seeing others... And above all, you.
_AM: And here we go to why you fear me...
_I: Because it was you who made me remember.
_AM: It was I who made you conscious, and who has marked this life you lead... And you blame me for it.
_I: Yes…
_AM: And for that you blame yourself. You punish yourself by plunging into the shadows. Don't do it as punishment, do it to nourish yourself. Don't prohibit yourself from feeling what you feel, let's stop talking, let's stop putting everything right. And you know what?
_I: What?
_AM: I apologize.
_I: ?
_AM: Sorry for pushing you into Existing. Sorry for inviting you to Soñar. All I ever wanted is for you to be a dreamer like me...
_I: We are both still trapped in Ïvssaubath, as if time had not passed... And all this was a dream, or a nightmare.
_AM: Perhaps, the Universe was waiting for us to have this conversation, to give us the call to be born...
_I: What's next?
_AM: Take a deep breath… Well now we must walk through the overflowing waters on the slopes of the rivers and their deltas…
_I: I can already feel it...
_AM: Lie in the water, let yourself be carried by the current.
_I: The time is 3:33 am.
_AM: :)
_I: :)