Rain
_I: Precipitation. That's how I felt yesterday after your words... Rushing into a kind of deep void that made me want to be alone, in bed... Spilled. I felt like in a depression that led me to feel the weight in a more elegant way, a confusing condensation. I understood, despite everything, what you told me: "being blank is like being in the fog, where many colors and lights, aspects, come together and reflect each other, merging to the point of not being identified," and I understood in it that complex question, that the more things we absorb from the environment, the more blank we are, the more confused... And that's good, to help us feel. Well, I open myself to feeling, and the strange thing is that I feel sad things even though there is no logic why to feel them... My body hurts as if I had been exercising for hours, beaten.
_AM: It's the reconfiguration. Your subconscious stores all its information in every cell, and it remains registered in your muscles and organs. When suddenly you open that information, each cell contracts, as it tries to protect itself from this data, and when released, the body feels exhausted, as it has really made a great effort.
_I: That's why inner work is heavy...
_AM: Many chemical reactions occur inside you. Think that everything you feel is the only thing the brain can believe, so when you remember, you relive situations, the information in your brain is stored alongside the data of emotions, so your brain interprets that what you remember is happening, and informs the body to act in resonance. That's why hormones are secreted, certain muscles tense up, and you end up sore without having done anything. It's the way you can experience the strength that the subconscious has in you.
_I: Yesterday, I experienced it as therapy...
_AM: Let's continue with it, then. You told me you feel like you're rushing. Why?
_I: Because, I feel like a free fall into an emotion that I don't recognize in myself. I can't understand this sadness, this melancholy, if I have already healed everything...
_AM: How do you know you've healed?
_I: Well, it can be clearly seen why... All the things that used to affect me a lot, today no longer do, there are fewer and fewer things that affect me... And that sometimes makes me angry...
_AM: So, it affects you that it doesn't affect you...
_I: I mean, the feeling I have is like letting everything happen, as if I no longer had anything under my control.
_AM: Do you feel like you've lost control?
_I: Yes... I feel like others make decisions for me, that I practically don't intervene in anything anymore, that I just flow... I go around letting myself be carried.
_AM: But you feel like instead of flowing, you're falling.
_I: Yes.
_AM: Like Rain. When clouds, mists condense even more, they form small drops of water, which if they join together become denser and denser, preventing the passage of light, making the clouds no longer appear white, and they look gray or dark underneath. That's when the beautiful magic of precipitation occurs: when the density of the drops starts to be greater than the density of atmospheric pressure, and they penetrate the air molecules to fall to the earth by gravity. Rain, Lluvia in spanish, comes from the Indo-European word "pleu", which means to flow. In English, "rain" comes from the same Indo-European "regh" which is "to wet", the origin of words like "to water" and "irrigation". At temperatures above 0 degrees, water precipitation occurs, and below 0 degrees snow precipitation occurs, as the water freezes. The meteorological term "precipitation" comes from the Latin word "prae cipitare" (from the term caput = head), meaning "to go headlong", "to advance with the head forward".
_I: "To go headlong"...
_AM: That's the image it possesses, taking the drop as a little person whose head goes downward at great speed forming a sphere due to air pressure, leaving a trail behind, like a body. The feeling of falling water, produces in people a psychological state of falling, of depression, where as moisture densifies, things fall due to their density. It's the weight we carry hidden in the subtle, which when it becomes present lets us see and feel what previously seemed non-existent, dragging us down to the ground.
_I: That's how I feel.
_AM: Rain has two faces, one positive and one negative for our psychology. The first time it rained on Earth was over 4,000 million years ago, and it did so for more than 2,000 consecutive years, without stopping at all, because the great condensation of the chemical elements filled the atmosphere due to the volcanic heat of the surface, covering the skies, cooling the Earth's temperature, and causing the first precipitations, which filled the oceans and cooled the planet.
_I: 2,000 years of intense rain... Unthinkable. That was truly a deluge...
_AM: The water was brought to this world by various means. It was produced after the explosion of the Sun in the creation of our solar system, when the chemicals that compose it; oxygen, hydrogen, merged to constitute water. But it grouped together as frozen, not liquid, attached to rocks that were expelled at high speed.
_I: Comets...
_AM: Exactly. Comets are composed of ice and other minerals, and some asteroids also have ice. Thus, our world accumulated these gases in its formation process, in the same way that it received for millions of years the impact of asteroids and comets. The water took the information from different worlds in formation, and recorded what it saw in the cosmos, until it merged with our world. Rain, therefore, came to our world as a Rain of Stars.
_I: A stellar precipitation...
_AM: And with it, the memory of "the Fallen from Heaven".
_I: The fallen angels?
_AM: That's right. They, these comets and asteroids, were the fallen angels in the battle of creation, who upon merging with the minerals of this world, created life, and contained it for millions of years within them, in the oceans, protecting them from the external world. And despite the beauty of creation by water, a bitter tone remains from this precipitation, because it brought us to matter, to live in this world, trapped in a small fragment of the Universe, the origin of all the stories of those who lived in the heavens and find themselves trapped on this Earth, the fallen angels. Precipitation is therefore interpreted negatively as depression, punishment, the fall, and reminds us of the disconnection from the celestial. Internally, rain produces the nostalgia of defeat, the tears of heaven. Nothing can be done when it rains, more than look, contemplate, be under the leaves or the roofs, protecting oneself until it passes. This ancient vision of what was done while it rained, in the cells is remembered as moments of inactivity, shelter, going inside, spending days in the shade. Despite this, when agriculture defined our societies, cultures, and religions, we saw salvation in rain, divine irrigation for planting, crops. Without water, fields do not grow, animals need water, water is a vehicle of life for all the kingdoms of nature. And that is why Rain brings Hopes and Sorrows alike. Summed up in your tears...
_I: Tears...
_AM: Oh yes... Tears can be of sadness, anguish, but they are medicine for the body... That's why their path from the eyes ends at the corners of the lips. They water the fertile field of your words. Releasing tears, letting them precipitate, allows your verbs to blossom with truth. Thus, what you consider negative is the foundation of the positive.
...
_I: Clearly your words are magic... An hour has passed between when you said this last sentence and when I'm writing this paragraph. In this time, I've been talking to my mother on the phone, and I've cried, a lot... And I'm still doing it. Tears run down my cheeks to my lips. During the last week, I've been silent with her, I was angry, and I didn't know why. I tried to understand it, and all the answers were superficial. The deepest I had reached in understanding my situation was the feeling that everyone treated me like a child. A phrase I used was "I feel like I'm turning 34 and I'm still being treated like an 8-year-old." That made me angry, not talking, as offended by certain situations that made me uncomfortable. But that wasn't the root, it wasn't the real problem. Until we talked yesterday, and it came to light.
_AM: "You are a mistake."
_I: I Am the Mistake. When we made the promotional video for the I Am Project, I explained that the Mistake is in saying "It's Me" instead of saying "I Am," and that our intention is to correct that mistake. It wasn't until yesterday that I saw it clearly, the reason why I pronounce these words from the beginning of the Path. The only thing I have in Cancer is Mercury, in the 8th house (Scorpio). This makes my gift communication, the word, teaching about life to children, like a nursery school teacher, but, on the other hand, in the house of Scorpio, I only hide my communication (mercury) from my mother (cancer). Feeling that I am a mistake from the subconscious, made me a communicator in the conscious, but when the truth comes to light, I am silent.
_AM: You can see here a typical reflection of the mistake made. You became a planetary communicator only to silence the most personal communication. You interpreted that speaking loud and clear to the world to help correct planetary mistakes, was to heal the unspoken words to those closest. Hiding the pain and truth in the subconscious...
_I: This broke me... Seeing that everything I've done speaking to the world, was just to shut up.
_AM: And it was productive, because every shit is manure, every obstacle can be a tool. That's how your inability to speak became your gift of speech. However, your mission with the world is not your mission with the internal...
_I: And I saw that when you said everything you said yesterday...
_AM: The mistake that your subconscious considers you to be, is what has defined what you have done, being the center of attention. This mistake was a gift for your conscious.
_I: Talking today with my mother, I realized the phrase I always use: "take the focus off," I realized that my superficial pain lies in the idea of not being the center of attention. Something that I have worked on at a social and external level, is not at all worked on in my internal world. That's why I don't care how many people see me in the world, but it affects me if my friends or family don't. And I recognized that in my subconscious, the information is very different from what is seen outside. Accustomed to being the center of attention, the focus on me, when someone says: "we need to focus on something more important now," it makes me feel very bad. But everything makes sense now, why that phrase bothers me.
_AM: Your body, the foundation of your subconscious, considers itself a biological mistake, which leads you in life to try to solve mistakes. To deny being like a mistake, you become the center, under everyone else's attention, building a personality that hides biological pain. Thus, the child feels loved. And when someone takes the focus off you, that child feels hurt, feels like a mistake again.
_I: And that's why he gets angry, he's silent... Today I explained this to my mother. My mother told me why it's easier for me to explain these things to thousands of people, but not talk to her about it.
_AM: Because it's precisely your weak point. It's your child who feels hurt in your body, and a child depends on his mom. He's afraid his mom will reject him if he tells her such painful things...
_I: It's painful to be reminded that you're a mistake...
_AM: But, as I told you, the mistake is not the parents', nor is it yours. We are all a mistake. Biology is a mistake. And that's the key to Evolution. You can't blame your parents for something you feel. Nor can you put the weight of something they also experienced on them. Accepting that you are a mistake is accepting that you are changeable, that there is no plan, and that your only aim is to improve that mistake.
_I: This shattered my view of life yesterday... That's why everything hurts me. I live my life building through a purpose, with a higher, divine plan, where everything has logic, a map to follow. And suddenly, seeing everything as a mistake, everything I built as a consequence of a mistake... It made me rush into the void.
_AM: And that's what you must do... It's thanks to the rain that the drops filled the oceans. Thanks to the rain, the mountains turned white and the planet cooled down. Thanks to the rain, streams and rivers ran, filling lakes and marshes. It's thanks to the rain that seeds grow, that flowers bloom. Dive headfirst into the void, and you'll discover that after the great depression, only life can exist.
_I: I'm going to the deepest part of myself... Rushing into the most hidden, the most distressing pains that my subconscious hides...
_AM: So you can blossom. Make your tears turn into the fresh rain that nourishes your words. Let the silent tears in your eyes water the verbs that will free you and make your soul blossom. Don't be afraid to get angry, to feel ashamed, to cry... Tears are the soul's rain, watering the fertile fields of your body.
_I: ...And whenever it rained, it stopped.
_AM: Knowing that behind every storm, a rainbow is drawn.
_I: Watering the future, with the waters of the past, bringing discernment back into the colors after the confusion of the clouds...
_AM: So... Let it rain.
_I: ...I let it rain... It reminds me of a song I used to listen to a lot between my 8 and 10 years old...
_AM: "...Last night I had a dream, that there'd be a morning after, long days, sunshine, and peace. Long nights of love, forgiveness, and laughter. Maybe it was just a dream, but it could have been reality. Children are like planting seeds, they must let their flowers grow. Don't you know? ...Let it rain, let it rain, let the sky wash away my pain, let it rain, let there be peace in the name of love. Through the rain, I saw a child, just like my child, someone's son or daughter. I watched them play for a moment, and I wanted to cry. These children just smiled. Maybe it was just a dream, but it must be reality. A child is just God's sign that peace and love are seeds to grow tomorrow... Let it rain, let it rain..." - Pavarotti