Solitude
_I: In recent days someone asked _I: “Are you living alone in Egypt?” Yes, I answered. A friend has sometimes come to visit me, and they will come, but 95% of the time I am alone. I realized that I like being alone. I talk to my friends and family every day, in a way I'm never alone. As a good Capricorn ascendant, I really enjoy my time and my solitude...
_AM: But your Moon…
_I: My Moon in Sagittarius is feeling like she's dying. A slow death. I never live with anyone, neither friends nor family. I enjoy being alone, but the truth is that I enjoy it because I am constantly moving towards them. I travel from friends to friends, family to family, and I feel like I have many homes in the world where I know I will have fun. I feel free, knowing that I can leave whenever I want, and come back whenever I feel like it. Not now. My mission this year is opposite to my Moon, my soul, and I think the fact of going so deep into it this month has made me see things... My place is the world, and today I have lost my place being fixed at a single point within it. The axis. And, I will make a confession. For 2 days now I have started to feel my body react to that loss. The axis of a human body is the Rectum and the Anus, where one settles, where one affirms oneself and says: this is my place. And my soul realized that in some ways it was being forced to confront this new place. So I started with rectal problems, inflammation. Now when I cough not only does my throat hurt...
_AM: But the ass too.
_I: I wanted to be discreet, but yes.
_AM: Both conduits are connected. You release your energy from both, and if you don't release it through the mouth, the body will release it through the other end.
_I: Clearly…
_AM: You are in the Axis of the World, searching for your own Axis and accompanying others to find it, that does not mean that you have already found it yourself. Whatever your mind and soul have achieved is not the same as what your body has found. The times are different, the way of processing the data too. The infection in your rectum reminds you that there is something still bothering you. And all of this has to do with the things you haven't said, and that you need to say. Why do you feel alone?
_I: When I began to remember the Universe, I saw millions of realities, worlds, dimensions, an eternal gigantism that I could not process with my child's mind. I thought I was going crazy, there were too many beings, and I thought: how is it possible that they ask me, a simple child, to speak and connect all these beings through time and space? In a way, the Messianic complex was the worst weight that someone who saw all the dimensions could receive. So, one day, when I got lost in that infinity, when my guides told me that the only way to return to my Axis, in my case, would be through Ayahuasca, I decided to do it in the place that territorially for me represents my Axis: Chile. I traveled to the Maipo Valley, and there, between Chile and Argentina, in the Chilean Andes, I entered into myself like never before. I saw everything that I had remembered since I was a child, all the dimensions, worlds, stories, lives; but at one point, my mind made me see a code. The code was repeated in everything, it was like a small red diamond, shaped like an octahedron, that flashed at insignificant moments, perhaps on a leaf of a tree, on a speck of dust, on someone's fingernail... It was the same pattern. Then I started to follow him, to chase him. I focused on him, and the more I did, the more of them I saw. Everything else was beginning to disappear, and only this diamond, this ruby, filled an enormous net. Suddenly, I looked around, and there was nothing but a steady stream of ruby octahedrons, one after another, and one on top of the other, moving like the gentle waves of a lake. Then everyone lined up, revealing the most amazing hallway of mirrors I could imagine, in all directions, filling the entire space. I extended my hands, and turned them to the right with my palms wide open, and all the octahedrons did the same, but immediately what I saw was a galaxy. I decided to turn it the other way, and what I saw was a chain of deoxyribonucleic acid (DNA). Depending on how I turned them, I could see one reality or another, play with it, see everything. And in the background, I saw one that shone even brighter. I began to chase him, jumping between the rubies, seeing how when I stepped on them the vibration revealed different things: a smile, a continent, a clock, a grain of sand, a chain of asteroids... And then I found him, he was in front of me, not so far. I realized that running led to nothing, because I felt that since everything was the same, there was no distance. I stayed still. I closed my eyes, inhaled, and when I opened them where I was static, I saw him shining in front of me. Instead of running, I just stretched out my hand, and with the tips of my fingers, took the pea-sized ruby between them. When my skin seemed to touch its ends, along its shaft, up and down, everything else faded away. Nothing existed. Just the octahedron and me. I brought it up to my eyes to see what was inside, and in the reflection I saw myself... An octahedron. In that moment, I understood,I was the octahedron. I was that ruby. Then I remembered everything, all the things that existed, that I remembered, and I realized, they were all Me. Then Matías's voice vibrated and he said: “I am alone.”
_AM: The greatest loneliness you can experience, indescribable.
_I: The void is Me. The Void does not exist around me, I am that void. And the only thing that exists is my mind, my imagination. In an instant, the greatest fear I could have ever imagined invaded my being: nothing else exists, not even me, only the void and its imagination. Matías doesn't exist either... There I lost my axis. My north, I lost everything. And another voice resounded: “I Am.” I looked up, and repeated with shame. I Am... And the voice made an echo, which vibrated in millions of “I Am”, letting me see the infinite octahedrons saying: I Am. And there I understood it. I am never alone… I am the All. I just have to say it. Just think about it. What is Solitude?
_AM: In the heavens there is only one giver of life from the ancient point of view: the One. The Solitary, “Solis” (from Latin), and they have called him “Sun”. The one and only being is the brightness, it is the light that attracts us all, because we are all Light. All matter is born from the stars, from the Big Bang, it is born from photons, the particles of light. We are all light, and the only thing that makes us see things is light reflected back to itself through colors and patterns. Everything that exists is a single being, just as that single being is everything that exists.
_I: The Paradox…
_AM: What you experienced was finding the greatest axis of all.
_I: Myself… And in finding myself, I found everyone else.
_AM: That's why I reminded you of what you already know, “Don't talk to people about the Universe, talk to me…
_I: Conversations between I and I am…
_AM: It's the only way to really reach everyone. But... Maybe it costs more for some...
_I: Yes I found myself, why am I still lost?
_AM: Because there is no goal in someone who has never gone anywhere because nowhere exists. Your mind has found me, and your soul has felt me, but your body cannot yet recognize it.
_I: Still lost...
_AM: You keep feeding him unnecessary things, physical and emotional, you keep making him dirty.
_I: Sometimes without meaning to…
_AM: And many others, wanting…
_I: I have to enjoy it too, right? You often say that...
_AM: Enjoying and Desiring is not the same as responding to stimuli without awareness. The question is, why do you need those stimuli?
_I: I think my body doesn't tolerate loneliness... It needs to feel part...
_AM: Of what?
_I: My body feels Abandoned in Solitude…
_AM: Abandonment is the key to the body. While the soul experiences the loneliness of existential history, the body feels abandoned by others... Do you remember what abandonment is?
_I: From the word “bhaht” in Indo-European, it means “to speak, to converse.
_AM: Which gave rise to “discourse”: bannan, something that generated the idea of different sides, two ways of speaking, of thinking, of expressing, two ideas. In Latin: “ad-bandonus”, it would be “take to the other side”, “leave in the power of another”. It is born from the verb, to communicate, to speak, a unique and creative word, a same vibration that was polarized into two discourses, separating, giving the sensation of leaving one part to place itself in another. That means losing the axis, losing the reference point.
_I: Wow… And not to say… Not to express, you feel the abandonment, and by not dealing with it, the words that do not come out of the mouth…
_AM: They come out the ass.
_I: …You did it again…
_AM: I'm sorry. The anus is the axis, and you have lost it because you feel betrayed in the discourse, and full of rage, your body is trying to release it.
_I: I know… The two speeches. This happened to me with 5 groups of people, with whom, despite having spoken and expressed everything with the 5 groups, these days were very present in my subconscious, because it is seen that for my body, it is still a conflict. With these 5 groups of people I have had great discursive differences, and both sides are probably right, which is why it is difficult to find balance. It happened to me with a family friend with whom I did everything from the beginning. It happened to me with very close friends that we had very different ways of doing things. It happened to me with one of the strongest loves of my life and with his family whom I appreciated very much. It happened to me with the producer of the documentary who I thought were friends. And it happened to me with my own family, who have been there since the beginning. Personally, I felt abandoned by all of them, at the moments when I most needed to be on my axis. The first ones left me at my worst moment, in Mexico, the next ones in Egypt, the others in Switzerland, the others in the United States, and the last ones in Argentina. My mind perfectly understood why, and decided to express it by writing, communicating what was happening in my mind and soul, and setting limits, many of them out of anger in my case, due to the anguish it caused me. Over time I understood their points of view, and I learned to forgive them, because in reality they were not against me, but rather it was all in my favor, and they helped me evolve like no one else had ever done. Therefore, from my mind and soul I was able to release them and free myself, feel at peace, and today I would have no problem seeing them again, knowing that I should be grateful for what they have given me. But my body...
_AM: Your cells go at a different rhythm.
_I: I didn't know that there was still anger, rage, resentment, a feeling of betrayal and abandonment in my cells...
_AM: There is because instead of working the body, you only did it with the soul, and the rest, you covered with pleasures. The search for love in others and in food. As we close the week of the depths of the soul, your body is ready to give you a lesson, the same one it is crying out to learn.
_I: What should I do?
_AM: Listen to him…
_I: Sometimes talking to you makes me understand my processes so quickly, letting go and forgiving in seconds, and my body is left reeling in the energetic maelstrom... I don't pay attention to it.
_AM: Well now, the next time you sit on the Pyramid, watch carefully where you put your ass. Well, the only place where you can always position yourself no matter where you are, is on yourself.
_I: I learn to shine in my Solitude then, knowing that in that shine Everything is Me. I am never alone... It is impossible to be...
_AM: And abandonment is only a matter of speeches.
_I: What should I do with that speech? Should I talk to them?
_AM: You've already done it... what you haven't done is talk about it with yourself. Remember, there is nothing but you, and therefore, only through you and your coherence will you reach everyone. It is you who has abandoned yourself... Nobody has.
_I: I return to myself then, and what my body sees as betrayal is a cry for freedom. I Am and I Am where I belong, in me, and that is my only speech, it is my only way of speaking...
_AM: For I Am the Word, I Am the Truth.
_I: And so the truth will come to me… In my Solitude I find you all…
_AM: Well, we are the Sun towards which all the planets are heading...