Rage
_I: Yesterday I felt useless. I couldn't do anything, I feel exhausted, tired, and this makes me angry.
_AM: Why?
_I: Because I don't understand the reason for feeling this way, it seems like a lack of respect for my being and the world. I mean, it's okay that there are planetary quarantines and as much as I would like to do something else it would be impossible, and we will have to get used to not being able to do many things for at least one more year, but despite that, I'm fine, I have everything, And yet, I feel useless. And it makes me angry. Yesterday I lay outside, on the grass, looking at the pyramid in front of me, its shadow anyway, and above, between the palm trees, I saw the stars. I felt sad for a moment, listless, without strength. And I asked myself: what is wrong that makes you feel this way? I searched, searched and searched within myself for something that would make me realize what was making me feel bad, and do you know what I found?
_AM: What?
_I: Nothing. I went to my love conflicts, which would always be what affects my soul the most... But no, everything was fine, there were no hard feelings, there were no resentments, and it's not like I felt a great need to be with someone. I thought about the family tragedies, about the things that happened, where I might have felt guilt, but no, there was no emotion there either, no grief, no sadness... There was nothing. I went on my planetary mission, and I said: how many things I have to do! What am I missing? And no... Nothing. I'm not missing anything, everything is already there, everything is going, I just have to go through it. Economic problems? No. Problems with friends... No, and the ones I've had no longer weigh me down. I am living like I never would have thought, too well... Sometimes I feel guilty, and I say: I shouldn't be having such a good time when there are others who are having a bad time. And then I ask myself: am I then supposed to suffer just for a moral issue that is not practical? And I relax knowing that there are better ways to help others than suffering myself to feel like an equal. So I look at all the gifts that people have given me, everything I have to do, to paint, to design, to draw, to play the piano, and I put it all on the table, and nothing comes out. I go to the gym because I want to feel good about my body, and every time I go I leave depressed, contrary to what everyone tells me happens at the gym, I feel sad and exhausted. I don't understand. Do you know what irritates me?
_AM: I guess the fact that you have nothing to complain about.
_I: Yes. I can't complain. And my spirit is that of an old Capricorn ascendant who believes that you always have to make an effort. Before I felt good, because there was always a problem to solve. My energy had a purpose, a week-to-week goal that kept my fire burning. But not now, everything is too good now. I can not complain.
_AM: You need a good shake. Complain comes from “quassiare” (Indo-European “Kwet”) which means “to shake violently”, or beat the chest, in the case of the English “complain”.
_I: Yes, I need to be shaken, for life to give me something to deal with and resolve...
_AM: But no.
_I: Why?
_AM: Because the strength you seek is to resolve what is outside, and what you need now is to resolve what is inside.
_I: But I can't find what it is...
_AM: Your biggest problem today is a lack of Will, and this is due to a loss of energy. Although it may not seem like it, you have spent a long time, and still do, giving too much to others, but not to yourself.
_I: But I live well, what more can I ask for?
_AM: Is being rich the way to find happiness?
_I: No…
_AM: So what nonsense are you asking?
_I: It's true... So what is it?
_AM: In the face of all the things you have experienced, you have remained silent, seeking the harmony of consciousness and neutrality. Accumulating energy of action, of response. You've been holding back for too long from sending anyone to hell. You have been resolving conflicts that you did not ask for, you have been fulfilling a mission for more than 260 days in a way that you did not intend. And you have been locked in a space that you were not looking for, no matter how comfortable it may be, it is not in accordance with your intentions. And on top of that, against all your nature, life asks you to sleep, and do nothing more than that. May you accept what is, and stop thinking about what could be.
_I: You don't know how much it bothers me when people tell me: you're doing too much, when I feel like I'm doing literally nothing. I feel more useless because I don't even know what I'm doing.
_AM: A huge inner job. Every day we talk is a month of therapy. And the therapies are exhausting. Where do you think the body's energy comes from?
_I: From the hormones… And from what we eat.
_AM: Where do you think hormones come from…?
_I: From the glands…
_AM: Who regulates the functioning of the glands?
_I: The Pituitary… The brain.
_AM: Who regulates each electrical signal so that the glands work, the muscles move, the energy expands?
_I: The brain… The spinal cord, the neurons…
_AM: Which process information, data, all the time. Most of them are routine. Who lives a routine life, in a routine job, where there are mechanized attitudes; The brain only takes previously structured information, which enables the rest of the energy to do extra tasks where it finds some pleasure in seeing new synapses being made. However, after therapy, self-analysis involves constant brain function to interpret and connect many data that demand too much energy, depleting reserves for the rest of the body. Because it is not mental interpretation, or physical exercise, but emotional assimilation. Do you know the diference?
_I: I suppose that the mental organizes data like when we study, and the physical is mechanical in acting... The emotional must be more intense.
_AM: Emotion is what manages the impulses and pulses of the being, emotion makes the turning points that determine changes in internal systems, constant reconfiguration. The emotional, the soul, regulates all the energies between the physical and the mental, and when you analyze yourself, rediscovering truths of your being, changing your life internally, reconfiguring mental circuits, your body becomes more exhausted than if exercise, because it needs time to absorb and assimilate.
_I: That's why I'm so tired... All the time...
_AM: Take it as a sabbatical year, in which your soul is reconfiguring your entire being, and on top of that, giving the energy to others, inviting them to do the same. Keep in mind that when you put yourself at the service of others in a daily dedication, you are depositing all your vital energy to many, even more sharing what you feel. People usually protect themselves from this, and that is why, by saying it and opening up so much, many see it as courage.
_I: It's true, why is it considered Courage and Bravery to expose one's inner and personal life?
_AM: Courage comes from the word “kerd”, from the Indo-European, meaning “to cover, to hide”. The same etymology gives rise to Heart, that which is hidden, covered. Courage, one might say, is a synonym for Armor.
_I: But why did it become a word that defines an Aries attribute of facing things bravely?
_AM: “Put your chest”, “put your heart into something”. When you act from defense, driven by the heart, putting your chest before problems, it is a symbolism of advancing with the shield to protect what is hidden and make your way. Like the breastplate or shield of the ancient warriors, who, hiding behind, fought on the battle front to open the way for the archers and swordsmen. The chest is that natural shield that protects the heart, hidden behind the armor. Therefore, whoever faces life with his chest is considered someone with courage. And what fascinates others about these warriors who make their way in battle is their bravery, their bravery in facing external forces, protecting what others simply prefer to hide. Still, courage is also related to self-defense, acting impulsively to protect yourself from something before being attacked. A courageous, brave individual is an attribute of machismo (brave: wir = masculine strength, virility), one who defends or hides something. Acting with courage is not always a positive attribute of advancement, but also of those who hide and attack to defend what they do not want to show to others and consider precious or their weakness.
_I: And that exhausts... Being on the front line... On the front line, as well as defending yourself all the time from what you don't want to bring to light. But how do I face myself? I mean, this anger I feel at my apparent uselessness, this strange depression... What is it?
_AM: Let me tell you a story. In the beginning of all things, there was a massive, invisible divinity called Chaos. From the same, the parts of her were united to give rise to the first feminine divinity, Gaia, the mother goddess of the earth, who gave birth to her own partner, Uranus, the heavens. Both gave birth to the divinities known as Titans, Cyclopes and Giants, who populated the body of Gaea. But these last two creatures to be born were horrendous and deformed, so Uranus denied them as his own children, locking them in the depths of Mother Earth's womb. Gaea, offended by this, asked the Titans to take revenge on Uranus, and the only one who offered to do so was Saturn (Cronus), the god of Time. Gaea provided weapons to her son Titan, and at the moment when Uranus positioned himself over Gaia to impregnate her, Saturn approached and cut off his father's testicles, stripping him of all power, so that he would now rule over the titans. Uranus, he lost all of his virility, his manhood, and he went into panic and depression. His testicles were thrown into the sea, and with the foam, they gave rise to Venus Aphrodite, goddess of love and beauty. But the blood that fell on the earth gave rise to Eris, discord, who manifested itself in the so-called Erinyes, horrible creatures that the Romans knew as Furies (Furiae). They were female creatures with snakes on their heads, blood-red eyes and nails like claws, who embodied the thirst for revenge. In order not to attract their presence, the Hellenic peoples called them “Eumenides”, that is, the benefactors, in this way, their voracity was covered with the intention that they defend themselves from bad acts by punishing murderers and thieves. The Furies sisters were called Alekto (anger), Megaera (jealousy) and Tisiphone (revenge). The three of them seeking through time to avenge their father's shame.
_I: Aha… And what does this have to do with courage?
_AM: It has to do with your uselessness. Uranus is the world of ideas, and Gaia is the manifestation in reality. The Titans are the attributes and potentials, of which Cronus is the transformation, given by the passage of time. When the world of ideas stops dominating the real world, it allows the living to be manifestors of their own dreams, free to create, and therefore, when Time destroys ideologies, the only thing that remains are the acts of the here and now, manifested in the love and beauty of Venus. However, the preconceptions and prejudices of the world of ideas continue to manifest, creating discord in the world of love. The ideas of what could have been, confront reality, the subjective versus the objective, with “courage”, defending the hidden intentions of dominating the world again. The world of ideas was castrated, it lost its strength, and with it its power. The power of being the one who has control, the power to decide, because it no longer matters what you think, your life depends on what has been manifested, on what exists, on what is objective, on what is, and no longer on the subjective and what you imagine. Thus, immersed in this decadence, he cannot find a way to manifest himself with consciousness, and his vital energy becomes food for the three Furies.
_I: Wow…
_AM: Fury, comes from “furor”, which in turn arises from “fervor” (from the Indo-European “bhreu”, which means well, alluding to the phreatic wells from which groundwater is extracted, or the thermal wells where the waters They boil. Boiling, effervescence, are terms that emerged from this word. Fury, is the description of the boiled waters of the infernal underworld. Related to the internal fires of the world or the being, it is the blood that boils due to the internal forces of the kundalini, from the power that arises from the genitals. There is born the power of creation, of the manifestation of all reality. And it is the mind, the ideas, the concepts, that tell the genitals how to create this energy and why. When not There is nothing to think about, when there is nowhere to direct this energy in consciousness towards something new, the brain will send signals of preconceived ideas, preconceptions, born from prejudices, which will light the fire of the being, but it will find itself unable to understand where. heading due to having lost his strength, his consciousness. By not finding the usefulness of his ideas in the face of a reality that he did not expect, he feels useless, and therefore, he explodes in all directions in the form of the 3 Furies. First, Anger, an emotion arising from the accumulation of a love that cannot be shared, that one does not know how to give. Then comes Jealousy, comparing themselves to others, “how they do well”, better, or why they can't get something they seem to have lost due to their inability. And finally, Revenge, taking action impetuously, imposing your truth on that of others, defeating the false enemy created in your preconceptions.
_I: Wow... So the uselessness that I feel comes from not being able to express my ideas because the world presents me with a reality that I did not expect, and therefore, not being able to apply my energy to what I expected, the vital energy. , my kundalini, expands to the sides with flashes that boil my blood, causing one of the three Furies. And it is true, well, I have felt a lot of anger, with myself, I have felt that fury, although I did not know how to explain why. Normally it is due to some external situation...
_AM: Your Uselessness is the internal version of what we externally call Helplessness. Seeing something that happens outside that seems unfair to us, but that we have no power to act on. This produces fury.
_I: So the fury that we manifest in many cases, being from anger, or from jealousy, or from revenge, is related to poor management of kundalini.
_AM: And this mismanagement of kundalini is produced by an excess of Courage, that is, hiding the truth of the internal world in a shell of virility or bravery; to close the heart, out of fear, out of guilt. And that concealment hides a trauma, a prejudice or preconception due to something previous, something experienced previously that has harmed us, or a reason why we have harmed it.
_I: How do I correct the Fury in me?
_AM: First, becoming aware of what you hide, of the true emotion or idea that you are trying to protect within yourself. Second, identify where you feel you have lost power, and when was the first time you lost it. This will take you to the origin of the idea that keeps you trapped in your inability to create, to manifest, to feel. Your prejudices and preconceptions hide there. Remember that the fury you express outside is yours alone, it is your own energy without consciousness, without being able to be managed and without purpose. Thus, the Third step will be to rethink the situation, rethink the attitudes you take towards life, bringing awareness to the reason for the shells you create.
_I: In my case I feel that the reality that surrounds me, being fixed in Egypt, makes me uncomfortable, as if finding myself here kept me in a prison... And it is because of my preconception that I should actually be traveling, moving. How do I transform this? Knowing that everything is fine even so.
_AM: Travel with your mind, reconstruct the path, recreate it in a different way. Make the path, in an unexpected way, painting, drawing it... Writing it. What you have inside you is stuck in your mind as a preconceived idea that needs to be rethought. The fury that inhabits your body is the unconsciousness or lack of knowledge of the energy you possess, of the reasons why you have not used it. An individual lets his fury come out freely when he can no longer contain logic, when there is no reflection, when he cannot find the turning point and finds himself unable to flex in the face of the reality that surrounds him. This leads him to break himself, or worse, to break others in the rush of him.
_I: I have to understand, then, that the anger I feel with myself, I can project onto others. That the guilt I feel for what I did or did not do can be projected onto others, blaming them in a vengeful and angry way. That this energy can be used for something new, without having to be tied to the old.
_AM: I'll give you some advice... Release your anger, release your fury.
_I: How?
_AM: Scream, discharge, break free, break something, but do it alone. Release all the tension, throw up the energy, and start again. When you have done it, sleep, rest. And when you wake up, she reconsiders the idea, having taken the furies out of you.
_I: I always thought that I had never really felt anger, or jealousy, or thirst for revenge, but now that you say it, it doesn't have to be so literal, I understand that I often feel these three things in subtle aspects of my life, but at the same time Not expressing it by becoming aware, these energies remain in me, weighing me down, leading me to depression.
_AM: Dragging you to the phreatic well, to the abysses of the Earth and its internal, dark waters. Remember that the energy you feel as fury is the same one that drives you to create. If you let rage take over your life, you will only destroy what you have created, but if you give your rage a reason, a purpose, you will become a creator.
_I: Unite Uranus and Gaia, through Saturn, creating Venus, and using the furies of Eris to find courage in my actions.
_AM: Uniting Heaven and Earth through Time, creating beauty and love, using your anger and rage to give meaning to the pulsation of your heart.
_I: I know, well, where my anger comes from, it is from my helplessness, from seeing that reality is the opposite of what I was looking for in my life, but I recognize that what I judge today is what I created for myself in my actions in yesterday. I judge myself, when I should start turning on.
_AM: Ignite your strength, direct it with consciousness, and transform your fury into courage, transform your discord into the beat of your heart.