Flower
_I: Another day without sleep…
_AM: Connecting to the Unconscious… Sleep awake.
_I: It makes me goofy during the day, like a zombie.
_AM: It is what allows you to have better communication with your hidden parts... Sleep awakens what is asleep.
_I: That makes sense… But I need to sleep…
_AM: “I need to sleep”…uhum.
_I: What?
_AM: Nothing…
_I: Tell me!
_AM: Eat, Sleep, Reproduce, and feel secure in those basic needs. One eats food because it nourishes the body, it consumes matter to be able to generate matter, filling the stomach is a symbol of wealth and prosperity. One sleeps to balance the metabolism, to allow the cells to carry out regeneration processes, and the neurons to organize information, as well as to strengthen the glands. You reproduce because you capture what you carry inside and leave a mark, transcending your genetics in your actions or when you reproduce, which gives you the feeling of being eternal. One seeks security because death is the end of a being's integrity, and one was designed to remain whole.
_I: Aha…
_AM: This on a biological, physical level. But when we move to the Emotional, one eats sensations, one feeds on relationships, on different types of feelings produced by interaction with others, which nourishes one. One sleeps emotionally because he needs to dream, because this way he can expand his imagination, provoke the design of possible realities. One produces through ties, bonds, in the embrace, in transmitting, in leaving a legacy through memory, the memory of the experiences caused by attitudes. You feel safe when you maintain those ties, when you feel part of something greater that contains you, or a simple hug.
_I: Aha…
_AM: On the Mental Plane, eating is consuming ideas, information, data, in order to be filled with them and feel that it meets the expectations of learning and knowledge. One seeks to sleep with the mind to be able to think, find logic in illogic, open the mind, allow oneself to daydream to find solutions to problems. We produce from the mind at the moment we generate a project and prepare to coordinate its realization. Security is obtained in belief, in affirming oneself in a philosophy, science or religion that gives us foundations and values for what we think.
_I: Aha…
_AM: So, the phrase “I need to sleep,” I wonder, where are you really saying it from?
_I: …Well… These days have been very difficult for me. Since Cancer began, many things turned inside me, I saw many things that I don't like about myself and the people around me, and I hit rock bottom in many issues that I had loose, but I saw that the same ones will always be there . From the first day of this month, you took me through a relentless psychoanalytic process, in which I began to somatize everything we are talking about, and to feel vulnerable in every way. I cried more times than usual, I relived my great existential and emotional crises of recent years... And in each of our conversations I saw more aspects of myself that hurt me to recognize, that hurt to go through...
_AM: And you just want to sleep...
_I: My body is tired, but it is true that in reality, it is only tired because my emotion and my mind are exhausted. For a year now, day after day you have made me study, learn new things, observe myself, without a single day's respite. Every day thinking, learning, processing and then explaining philosophical concepts in two languages at the same time, even in areas that I do not know, such as biology, physics and chemistry, all while I process my own personal growth. It's overwhelming. My mental body is saturated, and my emotional body is collapsed. That's why I'm sleepy...
_AM: Everyone sleeps or needs to sleep. But only because they seek to escape from the unconscious. Sleeping is the way to relegate to dreams the task that we consciously hate to face. Sleep breaks us, weakens us, makes us lose our firmness. It makes you bow and kneel, surrendered to life, and your brain begins to organize information while you are awake. That creates images, hallucinations... The unconscious comes to light, and it is like looking in the mirror and seeing the reality that we denied seeing about ourselves. Sleep is useful, but you turn it into a necessity when you seek to escape from yourself. Your responsibility.
_I: Wow then…
_AM: So, I ask you “Why do you choose to stay asleep?
_I: Sometimes knowing exhausts me… The path of consciousness exhausts me. Once, a class friend in Molins de Rei, Catalonia, asked me rhetorically: “Who is happier, the wise or the ignorant?” His phrase came about something that had happened in class that day, when some people were laughing at something stupid that had happened, while we were punished even though those who committed the stupid thing were to blame. And turning his gaze forward, he replied to himself: “The wise man can never be happy, because he does not seek short-term pleasure in things, while the ignorant consider happiness as an easy goal to be found in such pleasures.” .
_AM: He was right.
_I: Yes. It left me thinking this… Because, when you ask every human being, including myself, what they expect from life, we usually answer: “to be happy.”
_AM: That is, being ignorant.
_I: Exactly.
_AM: Being Wise, Conscious, demands a lot of responsibility, because you understand that well-being only depends on you and the way you live life, which leads being conscious to try to know all the conflicts to look for a thousand ways to resolve them. , something that does not give rest, but rather takes up his entire life. The ignorant or Unconscious will seek happiness by satisfying the basic needs that make them feel the beautiful sensations that endorphin and serotonin produce in the body. Thus, the ignorant person reacts to stimuli, impulses generated by mechanisms of pleasure or pain. Thus, the ignorant create a false happiness, and a search for it based on superficial elements and intentions. The wise person recognizes that happiness is not a goal, and that the search for it is a waste of energy, which can only be felt in the realization of oneself. This leads us to self-knowledge.
_I: We want to be ignorant, well…
_AM: Stay asleep... Comfortable in the bed of unconsciousness.
_I: Is it possible to be happy being conscious?
_AM: Oh of course yes, in fact it is the only real form of happiness, the other is just a mere glandular chemical reaction, like the dog that salivates when it sees food. A conscious being is happy when he has nothing to hide, and is who he really is, owing nothing to anyone, living his life according to his own being, giving his life to the greater being to which it belongs: the universe.
_I: How do I achieve this?
_AM: Easy… If you call escape Sleep, you call responsibility Awakening.
_I: The famous “Awakening of Consciousness”.
_AM: The Flowering of the Being. When people talk about the awakening of consciousness, they incorporate many points of view of what it represents. It could be said that for some, this awakening is something foreign to them, almost like the weather.
_I: If it rains I get wet… If the planet wakes up, I wake up.
_AM: But it's not exactly like that. It's hard to get wet when you have so many layers of waterproof coats on. To really get wet you must undress before life, remove all the layers that cover your true being, protecting yourself from the world. It requires a certain responsibility to take off each of the layers that we have put on, the clothing that covers us, so that the rainwater reaches our skin. And the truth is that doing so requires losing security, and exposing yourself to being vulnerable to the world.
_I: Like a flower.
_AM: …Like a flower… Exactly. What is a flower?
_I: It is the sexual organ of a plant.
_AM: That's right. As we have once said, many believe that flowers are the crown, the spirit of the plant kingdom, but in reality that serves for a spiritual and subtle vision, when in reality, they are the genitals. The genital, for a plant, is its illumination, and therefore, the crown and sexual chakras come together here. When a plant has carried out the relevant nutrition process, and activates its potential for transcendence, from the ends of its branches it extends a receptacle containing a cocoon. It opens on the sepal part, like tiny leaves that embrace the cocoon, which is made up of petals that gently wrap the pistil, ovary, where the seeds are found. The duct called "style" is like the vagina of a flower, ending in the "stigma", which is the vulva, surrounded by the stamens, which contain the pollen, the plant's sperm, in their antennae. The most striking thing about a flower is its petals, since they are arranged in a beautiful mathematical proportion that allows it to reflect and receive sunlight, as well as attract insects to pollinate its pistil and spread its pollen to other plants. long distance. The petals are filled with pigments and aromas that attract various creatures to the plant's genitals. Trees, all plants, expose, in their corresponding seasons, their genitals to the world, leaving their most sensitive parts in plain sight, and they are the same ones that draw our attention above all things. It is a flower that dazes insects and humans alike, that awakens so much hunger in some creatures, and love in others. Its fragility is sensual and powerful, and shows us the strength of a species that, by showing its weakness, expands beyond the limits of its territory.
_I: It's... Beautiful.
_AM: That's why you expose your fragility. For it is the weakness and delicacy of your sensitivity that expands and pollinates the world through our words.
_I: I understand…
_AM: Your state of weakness is the state of power, your state of depression is the magical realism that awakens the beauty of the soul. And this is a message for each one of those who are in the process of Awakening: “The true power of transcendence is found in the sensitivity of a fragile soul.” It is no use covering ourselves with armor, bark, trunks, it is no use covering ourselves with moss, covering ourselves with disguises that hide and protect us from the world, if our goal is to expand, we will never do so by defending ourselves and covering ourselves with layers that cover our true being. . You have to get to the skin, to the petals of this fragile and soft soul.
_I: I expected you to explain to me about the flower of life, but I understood where our conversation was going… I can feel what you say in my soul. I feel fragile... And my skin reacts to that weakness... I think I exposed myself too much.
_AM: Exposing yourself hurts, it has left you naked in front of the world, but it is what is really pollinating what has been built this year, outwardly, but also inwardly. Get naked. Tell me what your shames are.
_I: …I'm ashamed of my body, I've always been ashamed. My genitals disgusted me, because it reminded me of being a woman. It wasn't until I was 18 that I accepted myself as a man in this life, and I refused to touch myself. I always knew I was homosexual, since I was 6 years old, I remember that I liked a classmate from kindergarten and elementary school. He refused to think sexually about women, because he considered it a sin, as strange as it may sound, since it sounded to me that every woman could be my mother, my grandmother, my aunt. I was raised among women, and I saw every woman as an extension of the women in my clan. It even gave me incestuous terror. Men, on the other hand, were absent in my life, and it was not difficult for me to think about them sexually, there was no reference for me. Even though my mother was always open to talking about her relationships and mine, I was always ashamed to talk about sex, to show parts of my body that I even considered sexual, like my thighs, or my belly and chest. I'm very embarrassed to look a person directly in the eye... I'm also terrified that they might think I have an active sex life.
_AM: Why do you think you are ashamed of sexuality?
_I: Maybe, because at school and in the neighborhood, my sexuality was taboo, something that was wrong, that shouldn't be talked about... And then, I needed to hide it. Although I have had relationships and partners since I was 21 years old, I have not really opened myself to living my sexuality freely until a few years ago, more specifically since 2017 or 2018. I lived through a late adolescence, which reached the age of 27, and I began to do things that are normally done unconsciously at 19, but at 29.
_AM: Say it…
_I: At one point I thought I could become addicted to sex... I felt a great dependence on it, but I realized that it was a great lack of love for myself that I looked for in others... That I still look for in others, better saying.
_AM: An anchor to reality for a being who lives with his mind on other planes, required for certain moments, although a danger for other moments. Saying this today, showing your flower, frees you from a secret. Today, laryngeal day, you can recognize that secrets lie hidden in the shadows of the unconscious through taboos. And despite talking about sexuality at other times, they are things that are difficult for you to say, like everyone else. By culture, most secrets seem to make us firm and strong before the world, when in reality they are nothing more than cysts of weakness, which when released to the world, bloom bringing lightness, freedom.
_I: Yes... It's true... The strange thing was that neither my mother nor my grandmother had a hard time talking about sex, and I did. My grandmother had sexual relations with lovers even doing advanced chemotherapy sessions, when she was already weak. And the only reason she didn't tell us was not because of shame, but so that we wouldn't get emotionally attached to one of them and then she would leave him.
_AM: hehehe
_I: Yes… Terribly liberal. I could talk about all this with my mother and my grandmother... But at the same time, I was ashamed.
_AM: Shame comes from “vereri” which means “slight fear”, or “respectful fear”. What are you afraid of?
_I: …To the trial… To be judged.
_AM: Because of the laughter at school, the bullying...
_I: I was a victim of bullying throughout my schooling, and my sexuality was the key to said teasing, so I associated sex with mockery, with criticism, judgment, bad, with the harmful laughter of others.
_AM: Damaged sensitivity.
_I: “A man must be strong”, to be a sensitive man is to be a “faggot”, to feel was a forbidden act.
_AM: That is why it hurts humans so much to move through the attribute of I FEEL, because they have been prohibited from feeling, and that is why feelings became quiet secrets in the shadow of the unconscious. How many secrets would you like to reveal?
_I: Not many, because, perhaps, this was the last of my secrets, entrenched in my emotional throat, recognizing an addiction that keeps me tied to the shame of what is forbidden, due to the trauma of laughter at what I feel, I am and I do with my genitals.
_AM: And…
_I: And I understand why what happened to me with this frustrated love hurts me so much. Even though we are both of legal age, her mother made her believe that I had given her a disease that I do not have. And since he is a hypochondriac, he made his own son believe that he was sick, and he turned him against me, and he threatened me and the foundation with telling the world what I had done to his son. he. He laughed at me, judged us for loving each other, and lied to break us up. I felt that all the judgment of my school teachers, of my classmates, of society, fell on the part of two people whom I loved very much and whom I came to love in a short time.
_AM: All the shame, and the fear of being exposed to the world for a genital and sexual issue.
_I: Yes... I responded that I didn't care what he told the world, because I had no problem telling the world that I love his son, and that he wasn't sick with anything. That's why he never responded again. I knew he was lying... But I was never able to talk to him, because he made him cut off all communication with me by threatening him. A tragic story, which was registered in me as the impossibility of speaking, the pain of being judged for what I feel, for my genitals, my sexuality.
_AM: Each one has their traumas and secrets related to different shames and circumstances, recognizing them makes us free in understanding, and by sharing it, we show the fragile beauty of our souls, because our pain becomes poetry that illuminates the hidden truths of others . By sharing our weaknesses, pains, anxieties, by offering our tears and secrets, our sensitivity to the world, we truly begin to awaken from this dream in which we seek to escape. The Awakening of Consciousness does not occur in knowing about the universe and remembering aliens or planets and dimensions, nor channeling spirits or enlightening ourselves, Awakening occurs when we flourish, when we release control over the inner potential, exposing our weakness and sensitivity. . And it is true that in moments like these, we attract insects and vermin that can feed on us, parasites attracted by our sensitive aromas, but for this reason a tree does not have one flower, but hundreds of them, with hundreds of petals, because the greater the expansion and release, the number of flowers affected in me will be imperceptible. No insect can consume all the flowers on a tree. Therefore it is necessary to flourish in all directions. Open to the universe. Allow yourself to cry, share, let it go. Whoever judges your freedom is a being imprisoned in the prison of his beliefs, covered in his chains, oppressed by the weight of his incoherence.
_I: I allow myself to flourish…
_AM: Allow yourself to feel. At first it will be painful, but then you will be able to see your petals radiate fantastic colors, illuminating the world like stars, perfuming the air with exquisite aromas. Sleep as long as you need, but after every dream, Awakening always comes.
_I: I Am a Flower in the Garden of Awakening Consciousness.