Bay
_I: There are 2 weeks and a few days left until my journey of daily connections ends… And I think that is affecting me too.
_AM: A death foretold.
_I: Yes… It's like, a part of me died. Today I realized that the thought of leaving this place makes me uncomfortable, and at the same time I can't wait to leave. Like a very contradictory feeling. Giza is the first place in 12 years that I have lived for more than 12 months at a time. You could say that this is the first time since I came of age that I can consider that I have lived in a place that I call “home.” Where I put down roots, where I had the time to sit down and make art, to write as I always wanted, to have time for myself and to educate many. I liked being alone, experiencing everything I experienced here... And, even though I already want to leave, there is some nostalgia in knowing that I am leaving, that in 3 weeks it will no longer be my home.
_AM: And yet, you have not lived.
_I: How?
_AM: You've been here on a mission, counting the days until you leave. Escape. Your mission has kept you here, but not your soul...
_I: I understand. If it were up to me, I would have left... But I have a high degree of awareness about what a mission is, and I couldn't abandon this...
_AM: Do you prefer to relegate yourself for common service?
_I: Doesn't it work like that?
_AM: Only if you have something to give to others. But, if you lose yourself, you will live disconnected from what really lies in you; And if you disconnect from yourself, what can you offer to others?
_I: I don't know…
_AM: What do you want to offer to others?
_I: Consciousness… I guess.
_AM: “I guess?” Sure? Consciousness cannot be offered, it is only obtained through one's own merit. What do you offer to the world?
_I: My life.
_AM: Oh, a martyr. He “gave his life for us.” The sacred office of sacrifice. Is your suffering a martyrdom?
_I: I couldn't compare it to the sacrifices made by others, much less compare myself to the martyrs who really gave their lives.
_AM: So, you don't give your life.
_I: Sometimes I feel like I give it up… I live for the mission. I live for the plan, and no matter how much I give myself time to enjoy, the truth is that I feel that every step I have taken has not been for me, but for perfecting myself to achieve my purpose...
_AM: When do you plan to start living your life then?
_I: I always considered that my mission is my life.
_AM: But what does your subconscious want?
_I: If I close my eyes, I see a forest, rivers and streams, a lake, a beautiful house, simple but with luxuries, away from everything. And I find myself there, at peace, writing, receiving friends... Traveling, driving without a destination, sitting down to contemplate and draw, write...
_AM: What do you feel?
_I: Freedom… I don't feel the weight…
_AM: What weight?
_I: The weight of the world that I have created for myself, so many people working for me, watching over me, so much planetary mission, and, the worst has not begun... What lies ahead is more dense, related to people who do not follow the rules. paths of their “I Am”, people who must be helped and their greatest conflicts in life are the 3 basic needs (eat, sleep, produce), encompassed in the search for security. I feel like, I'm going crazy, I don't know if I'm ready to deal with it...
_AM: Tell me what's going on in your head, in your heart.
_I: I feel that I am reaching the end of something, and that something bigger is beginning, and I wish that the previous never ended, the future stresses me, the mission stresses me... I would love to be able to get away from everything, to be calm. But my program is much stronger, I can't turn my back on who I am. But it tires me.
_AM: What makes you tired?
_I: The struggle of personalities. It exhausts me when people give their opinion about me, about what I do or don't do, about how I should feel or not feel. And it exhausts me that the spiritual world is one of the most hypocritical worlds there is.
_AM: What does it make you?
_I: Anger. It exasperates me… Every day I hear about people from the “spiritual” world who say that they are undoing my homework because they say that what I do is wrong. I wonder why they don't do it in the first place. Or, worse yet, why if they think that someone is doing things wrong or in the dark, why don't they come directly to me to ask, to have a meeting? It bothers me to know that many people who are dedicated to awareness do not join for fear of “losing followers.” I have seen that absurd fight of “fighting for people”, for more or less “likes”. Many people write to me, but I can't read everything, it's impossible, it's enough power with myself, and some get angry because I don't answer. It makes me sick that after having explained some things for a whole year, there are people who haven't changed even a little. It frustrates me to think that I find myself like this, in this state, when I should be firm, guiding...
_AM: You are not a savior. Nor should anyone be saved. Do you consider yourself a victim?
_I: About what?
_AM: From reality... From the world as it is today.
_I: No… I can't consider myself that way when there are people who are really victims of so much pain and suffering. I'm not going through any of that...
_AM: What are you going through?
_I: Through a process of recognition. It hurts, you suffer, obviously, but it is not comparable.
_AM: Well, the Subconscious does not understand discernment. It is ethics and morality that make you say these words. I want you to dare to speak to me from the depths.
_I: And say what?
_AM: What goes through your being... Cheer up.
_I: I hate them.
_AM: Aha…
_I: I hate humans. Every time I have to call myself human I get nauseous. It reminds me of where I am, of the species to which I belong. To some scavenger mammals, which tear apart everything for a piece of anything. I have contempt for society as it exists. Ignorance overwhelms me, a mixture of grief and anger intermingle when I see that we repeat the same things over and over again, the same mistakes... And when I see people "of consciousness" calling themselves warriors, light workers, unconditional lovers, divine beings of I am, and then use the same religious mechanisms, the same social gossip, the same traditions of judgment, of criticizing the other, fighting with the other, is rubbish. Sometimes it seems that the murderer who is unconscious of why he does it has less weight than the spiritual manipulator who is aware of what he does. I'm terrified of being that, or that people see me like that. It terrifies me that my friends from other dimensions point at me saying: “he is human, like the others.” The world weighs on me, and it hurts me that we talk about unity and I myself do not know how to maintain that unity. Let me talk about networks and the only thing I have done was fail in every network I wanted to build. It makes me angry that I dedicate a year of my life to giving answers that many were looking for me to give, but most prefer to hear about little angels and aliens. I am ashamed and helpless to open my sorrows to the world, my existential pain, and that it may remain as an anecdote... I feel anger that I have trusted the wrong people, and that now I am stigmatized as incapable of choosing the right people. I doubt myself. I lost my ability to command, that's what I feel, I feel like a loose node... Lost in space. Everything hurts me, I can't sustain so much helplessness... I feel like we don't do enough, that I don't do enough... It makes me angry...
_AM: Well…
_I: Well what?
_AM: May you let go of everything. May you release the torrent of this river. You have arrived at the Bay. And there the taste is bittersweet. Completing the path in this way… How horrible, you may think. The Emotional Bay is where fresh waters meet salt waters, where river sediments mix with minerals in seawater. The waters are stirred, and many plants from the swamps, pebbles from the mountains, pieces of roots, trunks and animals are expelled among the sands.
_I: Bittersweet…
_AM: Oh yes... It's the end of a path, and the first thing you see is waste mixed with a bad taste in your mouth... Does it hurt to reach the end of a mission, to the culmination of a purpose and find yourself with all this horrible energy? inside you…?
_I: Yes… It hurts… Why? I don't understand why I feel all this, if it's not what I think...
_AM: In your subconscious you have protected all the things that you usually keep silent about, that are repressed, and among them, the garbage that you do not tolerate from the world and from yourself. You do it to survive and be accepted. How many will feel offended or bad by your words? Many surely. But would they have understood the wealth that the subconscious contains if you did not dare to release it? How do you feel about yourself, huh?
_I: I feel rubbish for thinking like that...
_AM: Do you blame yourself?
_I: To me, and to many... I feel guilty about many things, ashamed of having done things that many would consider sins... And I blame my environment for leading me to live it.
_AM: You blame the environment for feeling what you feel... For acting the way you act.
_I: I don't know... I feel very confused... I don't understand what's happening to me.
_AM: Wiktor.
_I: ?
_AM: Let's turn to it. You keep blaming yourself and blaming others. Because?
_I: They took away the possibility of being happy, of having found love, I needed to feel complete... I love him. His mother took him away from me... And it is not the first life in which she has done it...
_AM: Say it…
_I hate her. I hate her. She stole my daughter from me, and today she took my beloved from me.
_AM: And him?
_I: It makes me angry that he didn't fight, that he gave up as if nothing had happened... He called me a liar, when I never lied to him. I was never angry with him... I only feel sorry, sadness...
_AM: For not getting what you wanted. He represents that gentleness that you expected. That forest, that trip, that silence writing, painting, looking at the lake... he is the only person with whom you could see that dream beyond your mission.
_I: Yes... I felt free... And I can't feel it anymore... I lost myself when I lost him. Not because he is the key, but because of what I saw of myself when I was close to him... The pain is penetrating... It is a bittersweet memory that does not fade...
_AM: You blame yourself for the family… Say it.
_I: Idiots, they were idiots, I don't know why they did it, I don't understand, for money? Out of pride? Was I wrong to remain silent, to say nothing? There was no need to go to the extremes they did. I talked to each one of them, but no, it was as if I had never done it... They lied to me, they deceived me...
_AM: And your friends?
_I: How could I consider you friends? They brought me to the brink of losing the place I had hoped for so long, to be able to do what I am doing today... I trusted many of them, but in the end, it seemed that everything didn't matter. Sometimes I miss them, like my family, I cry inside not being able to laugh and hug them. Many things happen inside me that I never express... Why?
_AM: Do you see it? Your search for consciousness has helped you catalog what you feel, to put logic in each relationship, in each situation, but you never pay attention only to the emotion.
_I: The emotion…
_AM: Say it… Say what you feel about your parents.
_I: That they abandoned me. In each life I felt alone. My mom was always present, in one way or another, but my dad always disappeared in some way. At first I hated him for it, lives ago, but in this one I took it for granted.
_AM: That is why you are looking for men to fill that love that you have needed for a long time. And yet, you do nothing but bury yourself.
_I: I search for the love that my father denied me, life after life. I'm looking for those lost children...
_AM: What do you feel?
_I: That every time I am with someone different, I lose love instead of gaining it... I look for it in places where it is not there. But is it perhaps in my father's recognition? I thought I obtained it in the recognition of my mother, whom I turned into my father, falling on her a weight that did not belong to her...
_AM: Covering emotion with pleasure, covering the voids with food. Turning the agony of loneliness into orgasmic meaninglessness. Here the waters mix... You are in the Bay of existence, where the river of life confronts you with the inevitable reality of your purpose.
_I: Which one?
_AM: Realizing that you weren't going anywhere.
_I: ...
_AM: And therefore, the speed with which you were going towards the culmination, did not let you see what you were dragging with you. But in the bay everything mixes. The salty waves stir up the garbage, and among the lands that surround this mouth of sea water, everything that you are is left exposed, and the contrast with the totality is seen.
_I: A river entering the sea… Where you can see the brown waters with their perfect limits surrounded by light blue. The river ceases to have a purpose…
_AM: And what you denied is returned by the waves, wearing you down again and again with each wave on the sands of the beaches. What you feel lives in you, and the whole world will judge sooner or later. The judgment of others does not matter, the important thing is that you can judge yourself.
_I: What to do with all this rage, anger, contempt, guilt...? What to do with all this garbage that lives in me and that dirties the clarity of the waters without any purpose...?
_AM: Stop denying them. Stop being hypocritical. You don't have to sell anything to anyone. You have created this channel through which your life has become a river. You have created the purpose, and everything you have experienced is what gives strength to your flow. How can the river judge the water? How can you blame plants for letting go of their leaves? You do not get it? Emotions are the force that has brought you here. Your anger and rage are your driving force, guilt is your mission, contempt is your will to change. Shame is the key to transformation, ignorance is the drive to education; abandoning your need to unite and connect. Everything you have hidden in the subconscious is nothing more than fuel. It's in the Bay where you realize that none of it had a purpose, but rather it was the purpose itself. Don't allow reason to try to understand all this today... Remember, you are in the subconscious... Don't judge what you feel, use it.
_I: I feel…
_AM: Use what you feel to expand. The anguish you feel is only due to detachment from the idea. The idea that the journey along the river has ended, and that nothing done makes sense anymore. Upon reaching the bay, the river loses track of itself, and has no choice but to surrender to the bittersweet truth that everything it feels is part of itself, that it cannot escape from what it is, from what it feels. And the only solution is to let go... Let go of the idea of the channel, free yourself from the flow. Thus, through the mouth of the bay, all sediment is released. Let it go without judgment, say it, shout it, cry it, recognize the power that this emotion has on you.
_I: It is the attachment that one has to the idea... And when things are not as expected, the energy deposited in it is released, damaging the system... Causing all these irregularities.
_AM: What you must know in yourself to be able to identify them, and by doing so, you give them a real purpose.
_I: I will feel this way until I give you a new purpose...
_AM: And you will be free only if you remember that all purpose finds its end in the Bay, detachment from the idea, from the direction.
_I: …The death of oneself. The death of my idea.
_AM: Everything is simply a dream, and you are its dreamer. The Dream of the Subconscious that surrounds you in its memories and feelings.
_I: Ïvssaeubath, the field of Dreams…
_AM: If you remember that you are the Dreamer, you will be able to take those emotions and create your own dream, instead of them building a dream for you in their names.
_I: I Am the Dreamer of the Dream… I take all the emotional debris that lives within me, to release it into the purposeless bay. And thus free me from my idea...
_AM: Face all this you feel and live in you, without judgment. And by doing so, you will actually be able to navigate the sea.